Let's Shake On It!

January 4th, 2016

Here I am, back at work... with tons of tasks to complete. More importantly, I have this presentation that I have to submit too. However, after such a confusing year and such a vacation and not to forget the thrilling road trip, little can one concentrate at work, agree?

Well, uh, I rest my hands on this key board, aimlessly looking at it and notice my helmet next to it... On the white wooden panel which, by the way is my office desk, resides my helmet. You know, there are dual monitors on the desk - Both Dell 17 inch displays in black color, I would have given you the model number too but that would only make me look nerdy. Now would I want that? Absolutely not! - And these dual monitors are surrounded by a whole bunch of other wires which are carefully pushed to the back by yours truly. And to the left of the monitor is my office desk phone which seems pretty neat with just little dust on it today (Thanks to the house keeping). Yes, neat is the word, knowing that this is my desk that we are talking about. And the whole cubicle is decorated with balloons and ribbons all over (Christmas and New Year hullabaloo). There are two red balloons tied to my corner of the cubicle, just behind the dual monitors with two green ones right next to them swaying around. Ah yes, there was this white lonely balloon which I found on my chair this morning when I came to work. Poor thing looked like it was abandoned. So, I drew a nice smiley on it and put it next to my desk phone (It, now, seems very creepy. It looks like that creepy clown from ‘Woh’). Amidst all these things, lies my helmet staring at the dual monitor, confusedly. Meanwhile my substantially bulky wallet lying between my helmet and the keyboard seems like a dozed off sumo wrestler! My helmet, however, seems like a stranded alien in a different world. It seems like it has no clue of what everything around it is doing in this chaotic world. No, not like the alien from the movie 'PK' it's more like the sweet one from 'ET' (Man, I loved that movie as a kid!). Looking at my helmet like that, I said to myself – "You know there is actually not much difference…" um, what? Why are you giving me that look now? Oh, did you just wish me Christmas and New Year wishes?! Aw, thank you! That is sweet. Now, let’s get back to what I was saying. What? Waiting for me to wish you now?! Oh, come on! Why does everything have to be about you always? What is with you? Just grow up already! I am your adorable narrator – The center of attention in this world has to be me. Now, shush!! And read along.

So what was I saying? Um… yeah, you know I’ve wanted to write so much these past few days. Everything and anything that pops in my head, and I want to pen it down immediately. All these thoughts and emotions, my experiences, my stupid random thoughts… all of it! And that is exactly what I’ve done for most part of the last month now, didn’t I? Well, however, I was not feeling good about it. Usually, when I feel low I quickly write something or imagine how I would have written things down and just that thought would bring me back to the “sane” world, you know. And later when I read my own work, few would make me smile (while most others would leave me embarrassed). But lately, all my recent posts that I read make me feel sad… and… depressing. They seem like they are screaming for attention (Don’t they?! Come on, they have to. At least to me they did). As if I am trying to impress somebody, or waiting for somebody’s approval (May be it is all in my head). And just like that I was turning more and more into this sulky, insensitive and snappy prick (which I am not, by the way). Instead of finding solace in my writing, I found… nothing, actually (nothing positive at least). So, I had decided to take a break from writing and only write when I really feel like. That’s the reason I did not write up about my road trip. May be it was nothing or maybe I am being too critical. (Yeah? Well, I will (should) try not to be so hard on myself, going forward. Because, I have come to realize that I deserve a break, I have been very hard on myself, the last year or so… blaming every bad thing in my life, on me. Shit happens, so what. I shouldn’t be blaming myself, right? You got beaten and knocked down by fate? Well, get up, dust yourself off and move on. That’s what you are supposed to do, right? That’s what I am going to do. Ohkay there tiger, now before you turn this blog into some kind of motivational and philosophical blog please get back to the topic that this post is all about - This is your reaction? Okay. I will shut up now).

So, yeah, I was looking at that helmet of mine and felt just like my helmet would have felt if it had a heart – Having no clue of the chaotic world around me; confusedly looking at all those gadgets-like people working (or pretending to work). Hey, look! There is that monitor guy; he displays all the data needed. That guy is the processor, he is of great significance, you know! There is the keyboard, everyone just hits him to get their job done. What am I? A helmet?! What am I even doing here? While I had these silly thoughts in my head there was this other voice within, a throaty yet toneless voice (which is mine just so you know)… singing two Hindi songs as one – “Aankhon hi, aankhon mein” and “Tose Naina” from the movie Mickey Virus, just in case you were wondering what the songs were. Uh, yes, I tend to mess up big time with the lyrics (even if it is my mother tongue) and usually end up singing two different songs as one and it was one of those days today. Don’t even try to understand this concept of mine. It is only possible for people like me with "creative expertise". While I was quite busy with this conflict within where I was deciding whether to mentally sing “a” song or be faithful to my silly thoughts about me being a helmet, right then, I heard a gentle voice calling me by my name. Boy! My name felt like melted chocolate when called like that and I instantly looked up.

It is the same girl who sits in front of me. I did not ever mention that right? Okay, long-story-short, when I joined this organization I opted for this desk on Day 1 just so because this girl would sit opposite me and I’d get to see her. And immediately after that, I tried to seduce her with my charming personality too, in my own weird way that is. You must have already understood how that must have turned out for me. So I won’t get into the exhaustive details. And basically, I gave up later since she did not seem much interested ever. And just when you give up or don’t try too hard, things start to feel better. Don’t you agree? She called me, stood up and shook my hand and said “Happy new year. Where have you been all these days?” Then a series of questions followed “Were you on a vacation? Why did you come so late today? When did you come actually?” (She smiled naughtily). I was not expecting this because we barely speak. We then indulged in a small talk. Small talk is not my strength but I managed. My mind was still stuck at that hand shake even after few minutes had passed. God! Her palm felt so soft. I wonder if mine was sweaty. I just hope not. And soon after she left with that smile, I realized how I instantly snapped out of my stream of silly thoughts and was brought back to the sane world. It was just a simple thing as a hand shake and a smile. And it hit me that I have been trying too hard (With my writing and with this blog?). That’s the problem, right?

That must be the problem – Back when I created this blog there was no pressure on me because there were no readers (Not that I think my old posts were great – At least they did not make me feel like the new ones when I read them). But now, I am trying too hard because I see too many page views every day (Double digit views every day! – What? My obsession for numbers makes me look at the stats. So, please). Previously, there were no readers on the weekends, but just this Sunday the blog received quite a few visits. (I think I know who this particular reader is. Seriously, on a Sunday? Shouldn’t you be going out for coffee on Sundays?! I remember telling that to you myself now). And on the weekdays, there are friends of my kid-brother and of a close pal who view this blog. (Thanks for the extra pressure guys! No biggie! I will survive. And hey, Shammy! Sorry for such stupid posts. I didn’t mean to disappoint you. I am nothing like what Maddy tells people. I will someday write something meaningful and let you know myself until then please stay away from here – For your own good).

Since I think I know what the problem is now, I have decided to keep it simple. And I don’t plan to over-think things like how I did this past year. I will get back to how I was, the pre-2015 Arjun. I have taken some seriously stupid decisions last year which led it to be a crappy year (or was it?! I am still confused). And similarly I had decided not to write and I did not write for quite some time now. A silly decision, see. Instead I think I should write but not to impress or disappoint someone but to be myself. Not to bring a smile or make one feel good about them or their surroundings when read but just to share simple and mostly silly things from my life – Like that simple hand shake! I have to be the hand shake.

And what better way to bring a smile on someone’s face than talk about how bat-shit crazy my life is. It is human tendency to feel good about you or your life (deep down inside at least) when you see that the person next to you suffers more than you. Can’t argue with that, right? Since you don’t sing two songs together or think of yourself as a helmet amidst chaotic computers or try to find meaning in a simple hand shake of a stranger, I think you are safe and should be glad about yourself and your life already. Already feeling that way? Well, then my job here is half done, caring reader.

Before I sign off, just one more thing. I will do whatever will bring me joy this year (not at the expense of someone else’s tears though). I think everyone should do the same and you… you, my friend, should try and be that hand shake, you know. You never know how unhappy the guy opposite to you is or how weirdly depressed he is. So, please bring that glow in your eye and smile. Shake his hand, wish him a nice morning and bring him back to this "sane" world of ours.

See you on the other side,
K

PS - Did you just think that I will leave without wishing you? Belated Christmas wishes and have a good day and a very prosperous new year ahead! :) Cheerio!