No, I am not here to talk about the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". As much as I would like to blabber about it, I am, in no way capable of talking about such a beautifully made movie. I think I will only ruin it by describing it with adjectives like "Super cool", "Awesome", "Epic" and etcetera (for the vocabulary that I possess is very limited which you must have realized by now). This movie has always been in 'My favorite movies' list, irrespective of the genre. One of the best screenplays any movie has got, by far. Ohkay… now before I act all possessed and deviate from the main topic, I will keep all my love for this movie aside and do what I intended to do here today – Talk about memories and how I feel about them.
Let's start with a line from the movie itself.
Clementine: This is it, Joel. It's going to be gone soon. What do we do?
Joel: Enjoy it.
I will never be able to forget, all my life, that moment when I saw Joel say that line. You know I had this sad smile on my face looking at them both, the first time I watched it. It genuinely moved me. The heartache could be felt. Even though that was a painful decision, Joel was right. Rather than running away, why not sit and enjoy it, eh? Everybody's got their own way of perceiving things. And to me, it has always been significant that I enjoy the memory, especially the 'last memory' (as it is/was) rather than erase, recreate or alter it – Change it by trying to relive such an exact moment hoping that the magic will happen again. I cannot do that.
I have heard some people say that memories may matter but they are not important. Meaning, one should keep moving forward and make new memories on his way. I agree, that should be your attitude. A winner's attitude! But the defeatist that I am, I find it a little difficult. I think about some fond, old memories at times and be lost… you know, lost in time. Wouldn't even know if an hour passed and yet I would be there staring at the wall thinking about those memories. (Mind you not the depressing memories; I don’t think anyone does that, you know, think of depressing things. Why would anyone do that?). I think of these fond memories, I smile and I get going with my life. And if given an opportunity to relive that memory I would chose NOT to. It has already happened and I would love to remember it the way it is. I would never want to alter it.
Now, that's just one side of me. There is this other part you should know. I think about those memories and all, which is okay, every one of us does that. But I want my memories to be sweet, wouldn't matter even if they are short. And now if I have that sweet memory to cherish, I will try my best not to ruin it. I will try and remember it the way it is. I will not try to relive it. Getting my point? No?
Okay, let me break it down for you. You know, I am the kind of guy who will not eat the dessert thinking that it will ruin the taste of the delicious main course that I just had. Not getting it even now? Okay, let's just say I went on a date (hypothetically) with this nice looking girl, nothing extra-ordinary but different in her own way, with a very sweet voice. We went to a movie, had our lunch, talked about the movie, past crushes, about relationships and suddenly we realize that we connect... at so many levels. There is a spark, an evidently good one at that. I clearly understand that she likes me and that she knows that the feeling is mutual. We tend to utter the exact same word at the same time… like we completed each other's sentences… but then the date has to end. We part ways only to find that we will never meet again. For some reason, we could not call each other like I lost her number or... you know, you are clever so assume something terrible happened and we could not meet for the next few years. During our time apart, I think of her at times. (Now, this is me thinking of fond memories). And somehow I know that even she thinks of me (call it idiocy). Now, let's say after a couple of years, suddenly we meet through common friends and she hints that we should go out on a date again… then… I would not be ready to go on that second date… You know, because I've already had my main course which was delicious – An amazing time where I had got to know this sweet girl. Now, if I eat the dessert, the second date, who knows it might ruin it for the both of us. We could end up thinking very ordinarily about each other and thinking it was okay to have been apart from each other for so long. And, I will thus, not eat the dessert!
I don't know what the reasons are. May be my brain is just used to processing this way, to love and remember those short and sweet memories rather than mess them up for good. I am obsessed with 'last memories' - My last memory of someone or something! If my last memory about a certain person is a very lovely one then I will try my best not to ruin it, you see. Even if that means no dessert! Then be it. Last memories are the best and matter the most to me. "What a retard", right? Trust me; I kick myself mentally every other day for such a stupid philosophy. But that's me, your obedient (and cynical) narrator... and his conflicts with memories.
PS –
All this is only when I am uncertain of things. Like, you know if I am at any restaurant then I wouldn't dare to taste the dessert but if I am at the Barbeque Nation then I will taste the dessert because I am certain that the choco-lava cake they offer will not ruin things for me. Just like, if I am certain that things will work out for the best when I am with this girl then nothing will stop me from going on that date. Hell! I would have found another way to get in touch with her sooner. It is this uncertainty that does not let me the courage to alter the memories, the last memories especially.
PSS –
A word of advice, gentle reader – Uncertainty is a cause of torment in life (at least in people like me), get rid of it. Move on. Make memories. Savor them. Because, memories matter. :)
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