I am alive

"What have you been up to all these days, huh?", "Are you even serious about this whole writing thing?", "Stop kidding! You seriously cannot be this busy?" or "We were worried. Are you okay?!" – If any of these are the questions you had in mind when you had come to 'this-side-of-my-world' only to find my same old blog post staring back at you then let me clarify… I have missed you too. :P – Before we start, let me get this straight... No, the title of this blog post is not related to my being away from this whole blogging thing nor is it my answer to one of your sarcastic questions "You dead, brah?!"

(That's really cute. You really think high of yourself. You think people will actually take time out of their lives to come read your blog posts… which you rarely update… and which are usually about just some random stuff from your life and clearly, of no use, whatsoever, to them. You are unbelievable!). Okay, you see these really harsh comments in the brackets? It's just the absurd, rude, logical other half within me who I talk to sometimes… Uh, or is it "think" to?! Whatever! (Yes, I do have the conversations with myself and yes, it worries me too, as it should). Point is... Ignore my rude, logical, inner-moron and keep reading what this caring, nurturing narrator has to say.

Well, like I was saying, I have been very busy, lately, with my work – Work that actually helps me pay my bills. And work which has brought in some much needed appreciation for me for all the hard work that I have put in. Yes, I am boasting now. And no, this blog will not be all about it. Then what is this blog post about, you ask? Well, patience, gentle reader. Read on and you will find out. Like I was saying, your humble narrator has been appreciated by his superiors at work for he has gone above and beyond the call of duty and achieved… oh, let me cut the crap. I just completed the tasks assigned (originally, to a team of 3), single handedly, way before the timelines, without any escalations or issues (for now) which made the client happy which in turn made my boss even happier... I think. (I just hope this generates more business and brings a smile on his otherwise, always-frowning-face). Okay, now this appreciation garnered my attention and made me think, for I was expecting to be elated at such a thing, however, I was not. Not one bit. It's not every day that you get accolades and recognition for your hard work. (I am lucky that way). And, it made me think… why wasn't I happy?! Why couldn't my smile be heartfelt? Why am I not content? What do I need to feel happy, content… alive? Is this really, life? Am I alive (actually)?!

Impatient reader, we have arrived now to the point you must be looking for. To simply answer your question, this post, I’m afraid, will be all about my frustration… my frustration to understand myself, to understand life.

Proceed with caution - Your humble narrator is in philosophy mode! There, you have been warned.

Well, um, on any other day, I would have tried my best to bring in some philosophy in to my writing (You may call it idiocy and I might fail at it miserably). However, today all I am doing is tell you how I feel. How frustrated I am in my attempt to understand life. That's perhaps the reason I came here, to this-side-of-my-world… to find the answer, to find solace and bring comfort to myself through my writing.

As a kid I always thought how lucky the elders are. They must all be happy cause of the simple fact that they don’t have to worry about examinations, results, competition or any of such silly stuff. Happy they are, all smiling and laughing! But does it really mean one is happy if he/she smiles? I smiled when I saw the appreciation email and when my boss was talking to me about it (FYI). I smile when I watch the-girl-across-the-aisle smile while talking on her mobile phone. (It must be her Boyfriend on the other end of the call. Lucky bastard!) Okay, back to the point now - Your life cannot be measured in such smiles. Can it?! Your life is not that smile you give when your boss says "You've got more potential in you. You just don't know it yet. This is just the beginning. You'll go places", nor is it in the envious looks of your colleagues. Your life is not the 5000 bucks worth jacket that you flaunt (only to fail miserably). Your life is not the super sport bike you ride. It, most definitely, is not the insanely expensive dinner buffet you had last weekend. It isn't in your rants about the traffic or the government! "OMG! You sound like Tyler Durden, now. Why don’t you just tell us what life is?" – This your reaction? Okay… uh, that, my friend, is a difficult question to answer. But, I will try. (The cruel and ironic twist of fate, this very act of trying is what dooms me)

Anyway, back to the point again, I think life must be that feeling your mom has when she is still surprised by your father after 33 years of marriage. Life must be that smile your sister has, every time she watches your super cute 4 month old nephew smile in his deep sleep. (Avvy, I love you, man!). Life must, most definitely, be that stare you give to your kid brother because the girl next door smiles at him while she doesn't even notice you :( (Cruel, eh? Well, that's life).

Hmm, or life must be that tear she had in her eye while she was on the train leaving you behind forever. Or that tree shade that the elderly homeless woman enjoys every sunny afternoon on your way to work. Or is it in the bleeding palm of the construction worker you witnessed? In the torn shoe of that sweet school kid who is asked to stand out of the class room because of it? In the sweat of the security guard who is 9 months pregnant and still has to work (Mostly, carry heavy bags to securely deposit them in the locker)? Or is it in that moment of silence you experienced when you were away from all this… on that beautiful rainy Saturday, on your vacation, with fog filled misty mountains all around you... the deep breath you took... Was that life?!

Well, clearly, your obedient narrator does not know. And for once, he is ready to admit it. (Well, some days are just like that, right?) Today, I do not have the answer to this question. May be this search for answer is life? If this is… then are we all (those unfortunate enough, including me, who are looking for an answer… or searching for happiness) alive until we know the answer?!

Um, I don't know what life is... Come to think of it, hell, I don't even know what my blog is all about yet, leave alone life. So, I guess, I will make my peace with it. Go with the flow and let the flow decide. Perhaps someday I will see where this blog is headed and my life too. May be someday (soon enough, hopefully) I can answer the question - Who is alive, really?

Perhaps, that day, I will look up, smile whole heartedly and gently whisper – "This is life and I am… alive".

That’s it for today then.

See you on the other side. :)

K